too many things at the same time
I am learning a lot about my emotional idiosyncrasies when I meet with my doc every month. Understanding that I have a history of hypomanic episodes is helpful but I have new conflicting ideas about my successes.
I have a lot of grand ideas for my shop, my academic career, my life. I look back and wonder how many of these ideas are being implemented. How many of them have tangible proof of their completion and how many have never been completed?
I have been documenting my best ideas, and relaying them to others. On days like today when I become stressed about not completing every single thing I want to do, I wonder if any of my major life plans are just superfluous ramblings never to manifest into reality.
I listen to sad music when I’m feeling down and I imagine meeting these great artists. I agonize over what they would think of me. Do I have any artwork to share with others at all? Would someone at that level of success see me as a talent or a joke?
What strange, toxic motivation.
I am so critical of myself for creating something that will impress an illusion that only exists in my own head.
Every day I want to play video games clean my apartment update my website edit graphics make TikTok videos try to keep my digital landscape freshly manicured collage create spreadsheets for my inventory take photographs of cute gift sets that I made and try all these new art techniques because I already have all the materials anyway.
I want to study. I NEED to get serious about applying for a P.h.D. and getting in contact with my mentors. I have to exercise and go outside for the vitamin D and wash my hair and put the laundry away in an endless loop.
When am I going to make those die-cut stickers? Why is it that I can’t make it to the more serious organizing tasks because I’m always stuck in the day-to-day? I throw away more groceries than I cook.
In a strange way, being off my ADHD medication makes these things seem more plausible. Like I can work on one task per each of my eight tentacles at the same time. Of course, that is when nothing gets finished, When I’m taking my meds like a good little robot I can get ONE thing done really well and to completion. It is always the death of my creativity and (apparently) the path to living up to societal expectations. Eww.
My grandiose plans for my shop and career seemed plausible for a bit, but now that there is some downtime, can’t I work some school shit back in there? I don’t want to be the only one of my friends who isn’t successful. I already feel like that now!
I want to be a well-loved social media influencer but I can’t understand how creators with similar issues to mine can handle it. What if someone says something hateful? What if I don’t feel motivated to post anything? How does that instant gratification work positively — to me it just seems worse than when you don’t get any texts all day.
Your friends are too busy for you. That’s understandable from time to time. If the globalized planet has no time to give you a spare glance, how much bigger of a loser can you be?
I think there are some manageable things I can do for the shop that will give me a sense of e-commerce normalcy, but I never feel a sense of accomplishment until I have something to hold close. Hell, in some cases I can have a document that legally defines me as a citizen or scholar or loved one in my hand and I feel nothing but inadequacy.
Am I getting crazier? I wondered that the other day. Technically this is probably the most hygienic my mind has been… ever. But jeez why can’t I have a glamorous mental illness that makes me a pretty, socialite justice warrior with an inoffensive web presence instead of a whiny panic-stricken slimeball who just can’t seem to get it together for a consistent amount of time?